Miami Holds Bake Sale, Raises 1.2M for the Teams ‘Parole Fund’

Miami, FL- Players and coaches of the University of Miami held their annual bake sale to support the teams’s Parole Fund, a program that seeks to assists players arrested and seeking probation. “What a huge turn-out!” said Miami’s new coach Mark Richt. He continued: “It really shows how much support we receive from the community and how intertwined we are here.” The annual bake sale started seven years ago after Miami led the nation in players and recruits arrested per season, an accomplishment that hasn’t been easy to achieve. This year, for the first time ever, Miami will have raised enough money to cover the entirety of it’s football player’s probation costs totaling $1.2 Million. Richt told reporters “Today was a huge accomplishment, but we don’t want to rest on our success, soon we hope to add more attorneys on retainer and improve the overall legal department of the Football Program”.

While Richt is enthusiastic about the program, other University Officials have been less than excited. Julio Frenk, the school’s President expressed his unpopular opinions of the state of the university: “Sure, it’s great that the community supports our football team, but what about academics? Our educational system could use this money to improve the education of our students, but instead, we’re just bailing guys out of jail.” He continued, saying: “Perhaps we could focus more time and energy into stopping players from getting arrested in the first place- then maybe we wouldn’t need a parole fund at all.”

When asked about Frenk’s comments, the school’s starting quarterback, Brad Kaaya, told us that Frenk was “Out of touch with reality”. “Sure, I mean, I bet he’d like to see world peace, too, but sometimes you just have to be realistic and work with what you’ve got” he stated. He continued, “Our parole fund has bailed some great guys out of jail. Some of these guys made huge contributions to our team and I don’t know where we’d be without them.”