Auburn, AL– At a campaign rally near the University of Auburn, Bernie Sanders spoke to a packed auditorium of 12,000 excited fans who hope to see Senator Sanders successful in the upcoming election. “It’s a shame what’s happening in this country. We need to see some big changes- and fast!” Bernie explained to the crowd. “When I am elected as President of this great country, I promise to redistribute the wealth, not just within the economy, but here in College Football as well!”
Senator Sanders is famous for having socialist-leaning views in regards to economics and tax reform; however, today’s rally was the first time Sanders made any indication that his policies would trickle down into the College Football world. “I feel that it is absolutely absurd that Nick Saban and The University of Alabama have 16 National Championships while other schools have very few- or even zero! This is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated under a Bernie Sanders Presidency” he told the crowd, who erupted with applause. “Schools like Mississippi State work extremely hard each year and don’t have a single National Championship- and that’s just not fair.”
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Sanders continued: “In my Sports Championship Distribution Plan, I lay out how I will make sports more fair and equitable across the nation. Part of that plan will be the redistribution of College Football Championships, and The University of Alabama is on the top of my list.” He continued: “My plan will also implement a system where we will expand the playoffs- something College Football fans have been wanting for years. Every team will be allowed to play in the playoffs, and every team who participates gets a National Championship. Imagine a world where teams like Mississippi State get rewarded for their hard work throughout the season.” Sanders also outlined part of his plan in which he intends to tax Universities based on the number of NCAA Championships- an initiative he claims “would make our great nation much greater!”
Our reporters encountered multiple protesters outside of the rally who claimed Senator Sanders’ plan goes beyond a president’s realm of responsibility and may even be unconstitutional. Jeff Barns from Tuscaloosa, AL claims: “Having all them National Championships is part of my First Amendment Rights! This Sanders guy is ruining College Football!”
Senator Sanders will continue his tour throughout The South and is expected to stop near Oxford later this week to speak to Ole Miss fans. Our analysts have received reports that fans in Oxford are already tailgating for the big event.